I’m a mess. My wife of 14 years left me, my kids think I’m a joke. My job at the Realistic Replacement Ass Factory is in talks of letting me go after I kept adding third cheeks to the product, and I cannot stop paying for Masterclass tutorials that I would never use.
The other day, I found myself at a convention. The air was hot with convention-goer breath, and everybody around me was pointing and laughing at me for my shirt, which said ‘I Build Asses At The Realistic Replacement Ass Factory’, a shirt that I was asked to wear everywhere I go by my employer. It was a sad day.
That was, of course, until I laid eyes on the Kirby’s House Star Projector.
The Kirby’s House Star Projector is a Kirby-styled projector made by Eikoh, a Japanese toy company. The projector itself is modelled around Kirby’s house, with Kirby sitting atop the abode and his friend Gooey emerging from the front door.
The Kirby’s House Star Projector reminded me of my own house: dome-like, white, with only goo inside. It’s depressing almost, but the thought that my friend Kirby might be sitting at the top of it makes everything alright.
When I first opened the box, I realised that three AA batteries were required for it to work. Alas, I did not have three AA batteries on my person. Was this the end for me? Was the lack of three AA batteries a representation of the three things missing from my life: a wife, kids, and a new skill I would’ve gotten if I actually used my Masterclass subscription?
This thought plagued me as I boarded the plane back home from the convention. Maybe I should call her, tell her I’ve cleaned myself up. Maybe I should call them, and tell them that their father is a proud Ass Builder. Maybe I should let Stephen Curry teach me the art of shooting, ball-handling, and scoring.
And then I shook my head. No. I don’t need any of that anymore. I have the Kirby’s House Star Projector from Eikoh.
As I returned home, I ripped open my value pack of 38 AA batteries, which I knew would come in handy for a moment like this. I ripped the house open, and shoved the batteries right where they were supposed to be. I turned the projector on, I closed the door and blinds.
And then I looked up.
And at the moment, I was infinite.
The Kirby’s House Star Projector is available from Animeworks for $39.00. Results may vary.